Brahmacharya and the Avocado Theory
For far too long, I was what I would today call pretty shallow when it came to choosing men. I was attracted to superficial things: looks, money, social status, etc. I wasn’t looking for a soul-mate (someone you are connected with on a soul level with whom you have shared values. The chemistry is unexplainable and the relationship has a mystical feel to it. Everything blends together harmoniously, conversations flow seamlessly. You work together in balance. Oh, and of course, sex is mind-blowing. Oh, apologies…I let myself get carried away!).
Rather, I was looking for an ego-mate, a sexual-mate, or a wallet-mate, basically someone to satisfy my ego, my sexual appetite, and/or my desire for material gain (nice restaurants and all varieties of life’s “finer” things.)
I had it all wrong. My superficial search criteria served only to delay my single life ad infinitum and to heat up the dance floor on “all the single ladies.”
I never stopped once to ask myself the simplest questions: “What do I really want in a man?”
Simple question, right? Of course it is, but you still have to actually ask it. And that requires some serious reflection and self-analysis — not some flip checklist lifted from a magazine for bored housewives.
We have all heard people say, “I don’t know what I want, but I will know it when I see it.” Uh…okay, but please note this warning: it is precisely these people who stay in relationships longer than necessary…because they weren’t sure what they wanted in the first place. That kind of indecisiveness may sound cute in a conversation next to the coffee machine, but when applied to real-life relationships, it can lead to endless trial and error, not to mention considerable emotional pain.
I had my share of sorrow and sadness, my heart getting ripped out of my chest due to my severe lack of discernment. After a while, and a few heartbreaks along the way, I started to think that I definitely had to be very careful and clear about the sexual choices I was making. This is the very motive that led me to commit myself to the practice of Brahmacharya (a principle that may be translated here as celibacy — please do check my other articles for further explanation), which is touted as an important step along the pathway to enlightenment. I am not certain I did get enlightened, but I surely got to see men in a new light.
Beyond conserving energy and showing me all of my dependencies, the practice of Brahmacharya helped me to strengthen my sense of self. Also, it made me clearly see the person I had in front of me. It allowed me, above all, to observe what the guy was about, his intentions for me, and his willingness to work with me.
Funny enough, when sex is taken out of the equation, and you don’t necessarily have a burning desire for a relationship, it seems as if you are coming out of a hypnotic trance that grants you the right to sing along with Jimmy Cliff, “I can see clearly now (…). I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.”
Yes, because I was definitely blind and the practice of Brahmacharya led me to another place where I could see what was happening right before my eyes!
Between us, and in confidence, I can tell you that my practice of Brahmacharya has been fully tested and approved. It has been immersed in the dating space with confrontation and pressurization from the toughest testing component: men.
I entered Tinder as a blind woman and came out of it with my sight restored.
Miracles do happen.
Through that experience, I have developed a theory according to which dating should be like buying avocados. But before diving into the concept, a short disclaimer: no avocados were harmed during the making of this experiment.
So, here we go, please don’t have me lose you…
Let’s say you’re in a grocery store and you want to buy an avocado. What do you do? You look for an avocado that is nice and ready. You spot one, get it, hold it in your hands, press it, and feel the inside. When you feel it, aren’t you looking for the signs? Similarly, when you meet someone you have to feel him out before going on the cruise for romance.
It’s simple, really.
I mean if the avocado has squishy spots, you put it down because other avocados are in the tray.
If the avocado is too hard, drop it! There are other avocados: big, small, brown, dark, and holy guacamole! Some of them will taste really good.
Sometimes you will spot an avocado that is a little green, and you’re the only one to see it has the potential to become a delightfully beautiful fruit. Certainly, “Good things come to those who wait.” But don’t be surprised if everyone around you is eating a bowl of guacamole that tastes absolutely phenomenal, while you’re still waiting for your avocado to ripen.
If you had a bad experience with one avocado, and you’re hesitant to try again — I know we’ve all been there. The avocado of your choice looks and feels fine; you get it; you cut it, and “Oh my God! It’s all dead inside!” — please, be fair! There are literally thousands of avocados out there that are nice and ready. Don’t let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones!
If there is no avocado, there’s always another dish, another season.
Oh! Let me not forget a specific rule that I follow in my “grocery shopping experience.” The rule of thumb is this: don’t shop when you’re hungry and don’t have a list because otherwise you’re just going to buy all sorts of junk food.
The feeling that there won’t be any perfect avocado for you is not a reason to settle for less than you deserve. But if you’re looking for the “right” avocado, erm…high standards can hurt too. In reality, there is no such thing as a perfect avocado. Perhaps you’re not hungry enough to eat. Or you’re not ready. You are focused on making the best possible choice and you get stuck in a swamp of dissatisfaction and self-doubt. The simple truth is the right avocado won’t make you “hmm and haw” about whether or not you want to go for it; you will just know.
As Mark Manson put it elegantly, “It’s a fuck yes or a fuck no!”
Ah…the avocado! You may have understood by now that the avocado has quite a story to tell, and if you listen closely, there are some real relationship gems in the subtext of this green, fleshy fruit.
Did you know it takes years for an avocado to bear fruits? If you have purchased and planted a tree, you really need to be patient! Expect to see your first fruit three to four years after planting. After you pick it, you can’t eat it right away and you need to store it at room temperature until it is fully ripe.
One of the best lessons that avocados taught me is this one:
“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”
We can draw a parallel here with our potential love interests and lust. We, humans, are impatient creatures. We want something and we want it now. Instant enjoyment, instant pleasures, instant fulfillment. We don’t have the time to wait. We prefer taking what we can get now rather than waiting for something better at a later date.
During my journey, I have learned to become patient. Being a Brahmachari taught me that waiting for long-term gratification is much better than accepting temporary instant satisfaction.
I realized that going slow is much better than rushing and my superficial search criteria, which was initially taking too much of a tick-box approach, went down to just feeling the other person.
I believe some people find their great loves early.
Others — like me — have to wait.
And wait.
And wait again…
But at the end of it, I am sure, I will know THE heavenly recipe for true avocado lovers!
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