What I Learned about Fear from Visiting a Dark Cave
When traveling to Laos, I randomly met a tourist couple in a pitch-black cave in Vang Vieng, a little town in the middle of nowhere. I was the only visitor to the cave when they arrived. I didn’t hire any guide and there was absolutely no light except a small head torch I was carrying in my hand. The first thing the guy asked me was, “Aren’t you scared?”
I don’t exactly recall my response. But obviously, a true and honest reply would have been “Of course! I’m shit scared! You were not there when I had to deal with all the possible threats or imagined dangers that I was creating in my mind a few minutes ago.”
You’re probably dying to know why I was walking alone in a dark cave?!
Was I studying the effects of extreme isolation? Was I pretending to be a superhero with the special ability to see in the dark? Was I playing hide and seek with some imaginary friends, with the perfect set up for a horror movie? Or was I trying to create a modern version of a yogi meditating in total darkness?
None of the above.
This is the hard-to-believe story of a gal who happened to explore a small cave, alone, with nothing but darkness — for the only reason that she wanted to save a few pennies — and who managed to handle her fears like a boss. True story.
I can walk alone in a dark cave, but I’m not a superhero (apology if I killed your dream to put me on any pedestal). I have fears like everyone else — tons of fears.
Everyone fears something. Some specific fears such as claustrophobia, the fear of being unable to escape a confining situation, are seemingly irrational and better left to the therapist. But I want to deal with the other type of fear, the fear that prevents us from living our best lives.
We all have fears — fear of darkness, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of being vulnerable, etc. Most of the time, all of those fears boil down to worst-case scenarios that will never happen. Behind our fears, anxious mindsets, and prolific imagination is always the question:
“What if?”
Take the example of one of the fears kids experience at one point or another: the fear of the dark. It’s not the darkness itself that’s frightening. It’s the fear of what the darkness masks, the fear of the threats that may be lurking nearby, the fear of the unknown. “What if robbers come and take all my toys away? What if creepy clowns are under my bed?” Children can’t separate reality from fantasy, so when they can’t see what’s around them, their vivid imaginations go to work.
As adults we may have outgrown most of our childhood fears (monsters under the bed, bad dreams that wake us up in the middle of the night, trips to the doctor that involve injections or vaccines — okay, maybe not that one…). However, we may also realize that some of our fears are similar and have evolved into the worries we have now.
This is what I realized when I was alone walking in absolute blackness in that Laotian cave. It initially scared the crap out of me. I felt as if an evil spirit might grab and pull me down. My mind was full of thoughts that could have made me restless: “What if this place is full of mystical creatures or ghosts? What if I die here alone and no one knows I’m here?” etc. Then I had an epiphany. What I was doing, strolling in the dark with my tiny torch, was akin to walking bravely into the unknown as I did as an entrepreneur.
Let me explain. Back when I was living in Singapore, I started a business. Becoming an entrepreneur was a daunting decision, a walk through the valley of darkness. But my dreams came true. I broke free from the shackles of the 9-to-5. I was in charge of my destiny, feeling like a queen.
There was just one, tiny problem. I didn’t know what the heck I was doing or where the hell I was going.
So while I was venturing into the grotto and thinking about my experiences as an entrepreneur and their similarities, it made me laugh. Not the usual loud cackling sound that is similar to the laugh of a witch. I mean, please, I was in a cave after all… I was still afraid, and I didn’t want to creep myself out. But it seems that my laughter banished my anxiety to the extent that I could explore the cave to its far end.
And then, I met the tourist couple on my way back to the entrance, walking normally, as if I was running some errands in a lit shopping mall.
I think people hold the wrong idea of what “overcoming your fears” actually means. We think it means that we’re no longer afraid. But what it actually means is that we are still afraid, we’ve just become comfortable living with it to the point where it doesn’t bother us anymore.
It’s normal to have fears.
There is nothing wrong with being afraid. Let me be clear on this.
However, many of our fears are based in false beliefs or catastrophic thinking and prevent us from pursuing what we know is right or creating something worthwhile in our lives. Fear has its place as long as it does not take much control over our actions.
Fears may not only show up in a dark cave but also spread in all parts of our lives. They can cause havoc when they go unnoticed. Far too often, they will. Because they are sneaky.
Whenever you try to do something meaningful, your mind will start asking questions like: “What if I’m not good enough?” “What if I fail?” Whenever you try to get over a break up “What if I get hurt again in a relationship?” “What if it is not possible to mend a broken heart?” Whether you realize it or not, these questions are being asked beneath the surface and lead us to play dark scenarios in our heads as if they are the gospel truth.
If not acknowledged, these fears sitting underneath the surface, will jeopardize your attempts at making progress. So instead of letting the fear hide, it is important to acknowledge its existence, to identify your negative “what if,” to face it and say:
“Hey, I see you there, Fear. (Yes, you can see it even in the darkest places). Nice to meet you.”
You will see over time that whenever you confront your fears, you accumulate evidence of your ability to cope. Moreover, every time you do something you fear, you will often discover what you have imagined would happen, turns out to be far worse than what actually did happen.
Fear is part of being human.
Fear is a signal. This signal is nothing more than…, well, a signal.
Fear is not your enemy!
Actually, you can make it your friend, your ally. It just talks to you. It says: “Go and get more information.” “Find support.” “Slow down.” B”e cautious.” “Heal me.”
Fear is always informing you. Fear does not say: “Stop. Freeze. Never do it again.” And as I mentioned earlier, you can talk back: “I feel you; okay, maybe you are real, so now what?”
When you do this, then all of a sudden the fear may begin to dissipate into the nothingness that it always was.
I walked in that cave despite my aversion to darkness. I believe that is the true secret for abolishing fear. It’s not trying to be unafraid. That is impossible. Rather, it’s going ahead while being afraid.
Somehow, in our lives, we all walk in the dark. This darkness may indicate a rough patch of life, uncertain events, or unknown circumstances. We keep thinking that the problem is out there in the things that scare us: dark nights, dark thoughts, dark emotions. To cope, we each make our own way, navigating in the obscurity, guided by the candle of our abilities and beliefs.
The real problem has far less to do with what is out there and more to do with our reluctance to learn to walk in the dark.
By getting used to the dark, learning to deliberately walk courageously through gloomy places, and sitting in silence with your faith hanging by a thread, is how you reach the light on the other side.
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